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Wednesday, February 16, 2022

My View on Relationships

 Conceptual thinking sometimes makes language communication difficult.

I find this when I try to convey certain parts of how I see the world.

Much of human relationships, to me, seem to be based on societal rules that are steeped in tradition and based on rules that might have, in some cases, once had value but which now are entirely arbitrary.

I don't see the obvious lines that allow people in society to compartmentalize people into one pool or another and no one can clearly see the private lines that individuals use to compartmentalize others.

For me, though, I don't even see clear lines.

The first of the filters I use, which is the first filter every sighted person encounters, whether one admits it or not, is attractiveness. We all encounter another's attractiveness when we meet a new person. Sometimes it's in the photons reflecting off their being and sometimes it is in their "customer service" voice on the phone. But the very first thing that hits our amygdala is a reaction of attraction or repulsion.

BUT, because we are evolved beings, with larger cranial cavities that host larger brains we have additional resources well beyond those contained in the tiniest corner of our ancestral reactionism. We override our initial reactions with our conditioned behaviors which is what allows us to progress to the next steps.

For me, the next step can be any of the next three items, but both are essential. Which comes first depends entirely on the circumstances so I will list them in the order of importance to me.

1. Are they a jerk? 

2. Are they morally and ethically compatible with me?

3. Are they bellignorant (belligerently ignorant)?

The answers to the above not only determine whether or not I like someone but they also can feed directly back into my perception of their physical attraction and rewrite my basic amygdalic response to their appearance. If they are kind and giving, aligned with my morality and ethics, and have a passion for knowing correct information about the world they become orders of magnitude more attractive than just their physical appearance can ever be.

This is why, I believe, I can admire the beauty of a human in the same exact way I admire the beauty of a painting. I have found myself doing this to people in public and even once had a roommate who was so gorgeous that gazing upon her burned my soul the way the sun burns eyes. 

I have come to learn, though, that this reaction to human beauty is not a normal thing. The masses seem unable to do it and, as a result, staring is a behavior that is greatly avoided. Staring is either seen as rude, and pointing out someone's grave misfortune, or a threatening behavior that warrants extra caution. Because I am not a bellignorant jerk who forsakes the common morality I have learned to not stare at a person who is uncommonly attractive.

I have also come to learn that the masses seem unable to diminish their lust for attention from someone they find attractive even when they find the person a horrible example of humanity. This is something that does not affect me. Once I discover someone is horrible, even if they are a living artwork, I will cease to find any attraction to them and want nothing more to do with them.

This plays into my life fairly regularly. All of my celebrity crushes are based on my understanding of WHO the person is balanced against their looks.  Of course, all of my celebrity crushes are women because, regrettably*, I have no intimate inclinations toward men despite my ability to see men as being works of art just as much as women can be (Chris Pine, for example, especially his eyes, is a captivating piece of masculine artwork to behold). 

Among people, I know this directly affects whom I wish to spend time with. Once one passes the above criteria my curiosity will be piqued tremendously and I will find an interest in knowing more about you. Do we share similar interests? If so, my interest will flare greater. Is the person smart? I don't mean educated (as that is partially included above) as someone can know lots of things and not be smart, likewise, someone can be very smart and not know lots of things, too. The ability to reason, the desire to think. The curiosity to explore the intricacies of the world are the type of smarts that enchant me. Does the person think about the huge questions of life, the universe, and everything or are they focussed on the small-world gossip that drives so many of the people I cannot stand?

I find that the majority of my friends, the majority of people I desire to spend time with, all share these five points. 

And I hope I, to them, live up to the standards I have outlined here.

But this is just the foundation of the building I am trying to build with these words.

Because the building is where I deviate from society in ways that make me feel lonely quite often.

I do not understand romance. I once had an opportunity to experience the fires of passion in my heart but that fuse was burnt out and has never healed; partially because I did not understand romance and the target of my passion could not accept my inability to be romantic. 

I can see the origination of the taboo against sex as a means of managing the responsibilities of offspring but I also see how that should have been abandoned long ago and replaced with of a plethora of existing cultural norms surrounding sex, if not something completely unthought of.

As such, because the taboos really make no sense, I cannot incorporate them into my being. 

Why is sex the definitive line for cheating? I have seen Bromances that were more intimate on an emotional level than most couples ever attain. I have seen hetero-lifemates who are not sexually active achieve the same. I have seen couples who don't have any sex at all. Why is sexual intercourse the specific hard-line value that society determined is the big problem?

It shouldn't be.

In fact, there shouldn't be any hard lines at all. 

Every two people have a unique relationship that is ever-evolving. No relationship is EVER exactly the same, even between two individuals it morphs from moment to moment, constantly changing slightly. 

It is, in my opinion, and according to my entire moral being, entirely between two beings how to manage and maintain their relationship. Each of them may have obligations due to other relationships they are embedded in, but those are their responsibility to manage. Anyone not in a direct linkage with either party has no say in any type of friendship, or otherwise, that two parties maintain.  Within each relationship each of the two participants has the duty to clearly communicate their needs, wants, and boundaries as well as to respect those of the other party.

And this includes sex. 

To me, sex is a fun activity that fulfills a biological urge. It is, to me, much like dining out with someone. It is, to me, much like playing a game with someone. It is, to me, much like going to the movies with someone. It is, to me, much like kissing someone. 

All of these activities are things I will greatly enjoy with people I want to spend time with and are things I would prefer to avoid when there are people I do not like involved. 

If this post makes you uncomfortable I ask you: why?

What about it challenges your reality that you feel so uncomfortable by it?

How does my seeing the world this way threaten you in any way? Do you fear losing a partner to this ideology? You shouldn't for if they find their heart aligns with this ideology then the ideology is already in them, lurking, waiting to manifest into comprehension inside their mind.

Do you feel that this means I am going to try to "steel" your partner? I can't. No one can STEAL someone's partner. For a partner to be stolen it means they had to be property. If someone is property then their agency is completely gone and they are not involved in the relationship of their own free will, they are embedded in it for some other reason. If they can be stolen then they were never yours.

Do you fear they may move along and find someone whose time they covet more than your own? How is that something created by this philosophy? People move out of relationships constantly and it has nothing to do with the monogamous culture in this country that is rooted in Chrisitan puritanism. If they are drifting from you then a closed and curated garden of people they can see will not stop them, nor will the wide-open world. Only the two of you can maintain your thread and it requires both parties to do it.

If you hate these words is it because of their ideas or because you are afraid of being lonely?

Well, I'm here to tell you that these ideas won't cause you to be lonely; loneliness comes from lacking connections to other people, not from having them.

My loneliness comes from the lack of additional threads I have in my life beyond the wonderful relationship I have with my spouse. My loneliness comes from having all of the ideas explained in these words (and more) and feeling so isolated from society because I cannot comprehend why these, obvious to me, ideas are not universally accepted.

I don't fear being abandoned because of these ideas. I fear never having enough people to fill my heart in the first place. 

*in many ways I wish I were able to build more intimate relationships with men but some childhood trauma at the hands of my male peers and strained connections with male role models as a child have made it very difficult to build great relationships with men as an adult. I also wish I could find men attractive because my inherent biological programming cuts out more than half the adult population from my options for sexuality... BUT, at the same time, I see how horrible men are toward women (and toward other men) in the dating scene and I am glad that my heternormativity makes me immune from having to pursue people who are so horrible.

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