Random Rewards are Powerful... and Dangerous

 There’s a proven psychological effect in which a randomly-issued reward will generate a stronger “reward” impulse than a consistently-provided reward. Even if the consistent reward is more frequently provided and the rewards dispensed by either method are identical.

This is an important thing for all humans to understand. It’s

Important for introspection and reflection on the behaviors of others as individuals and on the flow of society as an aggregate of individuals.

It’s important to understand this effect and how it drives impulses in us, and around us. It’s important to understand how it alters our behaviors because, in my, granted very limited in scope and depth, observation is that people who understand and move through life with purpose tend to be more successful.

It doesn’t matter how one measures success - whatever goal you are seeking is more achievable when you understand yourself, understand the path between where you are and the goal, and when you understand those with whom you will interact along the path. 

The question then becomes - does their purpose align with their happiness or not? This is not a question that can be answered by anyone other than a person’s own internal emotional barometer. Those closest to them can, surely, identify when things induce unhappiness but the inner peace of happiness can only be identified and differentiated from contentment and inert apathy by the beholder.

Which brings us back around to the specific psychological effect of random rewards. If one is on their journey toward success and that journey is contra to their own happiness then the intermittent positive rewards along the path will induce a form of short term happiness that can be deceptive toward the long-term health. These short-term flares of dopamine can seem greater, and truly be more addictive, than a sustained level of happiness brought forth by a parallel journey whose goal is happiness.

It’s important to understand this effect on psychology and how it can alter your own views on the world to bring you short term positive feelings but it’s also important to recognize how it can undermine your long term well-being.

The classic example of this is an experiment with rats. Rats were given levers. One lever did nothing. One lever always dispensed a treat. One lever would randomly dispense a treat. Rats literally worked themselves to death pushing the random lever to get the next treat instead of just going to the treat lever.

A more overt and obvious analogy to the rats and the levers can be found with humans and slot machines. The “the next pull is a winner! I can feel it!” concept is this physiological effect working on the mind of the one playing the machine.

But overt gambling isn’t the only place this happens.

One example can be found in friendships.

A long, sustained and constantly-positive friendship is a valuable thing to have but they are often pushed aside when one of the friends gains a new romantic partner because the NRE (new relationship energy) is a disruptive, randomly-presented reward that gives a similar emotional comfort to the long-term relationship. 

It’s normal for NRE to disrupt a person’s life and existing relationships in almost all ways. Eventually the NRE interactions settle down into a “standing wave” of predictability and the psychological effect of randomness in the reward ceases, allowing the steady positive interactions to become ingrained in the return to normalcy. 

There are, however, people who get so distracted by NRE that, when it starts to become supplied regularly, they lose all interest in the steady-supply and MUST chase the “high” of the next random provider of attention.

This is a detectable pattern and one that can cause harm to everyone involved, hence the reason why it’s important to understand this psychological effect when it is present in others…

In a milder relationship example this can be found when an individual finds that they are always the one reaching out to others and that their efforts are often left unanswered for days or weeks at a time but, when the party finally reaponds, they feel obligated to keep trying; to keep the thread of friendship alive because the random responses push those psychological buttons.

This is why it’s important to understand this phenomenon in ourselves; we need to know when to let go of people who are nothing more than random reward distributors to us. We need to have the strength to see imbalances energy and walk away from it when it is unhealthy to us… and, in extreme cases, we need to be able to see a random reward giver as the abuser they are (not all random reward givers are abusers but it seems to be a psychological tool that all abusers instinctively know and utilize to their benefit). 

I want everyone I know to find their path to success and I want them to find a path to happiness and I desperately want for those paths to not conflict. I want them all to understand their own reactions to stimuli so that they can navigate our world and the interruptions to the paths we walk in the best way possible.

Most importantly, I want to make sure I always understand my own behaviors to ensure I never use this trick against anyone else. I don’t want to be a villain and the things that stick to my mind the most are those when I accidentally harmed others through my own ignorance or carelessness. I hope that being aware of mental processes like this one will help me better-attain that which I want from life while also allowing me to be a better person overall.

And no, despite the content about relationships, there is NOTHING in this post related to my relationship with my lovely wife. We’re good. I just think a lot about a lot of things and sometimes have to write them out to ensure they leave my squishy skull fat’s priority processing queue.

My View on Relationships

 Conceptual thinking sometimes makes language communication difficult.

I find this when I try to convey certain parts of how I see the world.

Much of human relationships, to me, seem to be based on societal rules that are steeped in tradition and based on rules that might have, in some cases, once had value but which now are entirely arbitrary.

I don't see the obvious lines that allow people in society to compartmentalize people into one pool or another and no one can clearly see the private lines that individuals use to compartmentalize others.

For me, though, I don't even see clear lines.

The first of the filters I use, which is the first filter every sighted person encounters, whether one admits it or not, is attractiveness. We all encounter another's attractiveness when we meet a new person. Sometimes it's in the photons reflecting off their being and sometimes it is in their "customer service" voice on the phone. But the very first thing that hits our amygdala is a reaction of attraction or repulsion.

BUT, because we are evolved beings, with larger cranial cavities that host larger brains we have additional resources well beyond those contained in the tiniest corner of our ancestral reactionism. We override our initial reactions with our conditioned behaviors which is what allows us to progress to the next steps.

For me, the next step can be any of the next three items, but both are essential. Which comes first depends entirely on the circumstances so I will list them in the order of importance to me.

1. Are they a jerk? 

2. Are they morally and ethically compatible with me?

3. Are they bellignorant (belligerently ignorant)?

The answers to the above not only determine whether or not I like someone but they also can feed directly back into my perception of their physical attraction and rewrite my basic amygdalic response to their appearance. If they are kind and giving, aligned with my morality and ethics, and have a passion for knowing correct information about the world they become orders of magnitude more attractive than just their physical appearance can ever be.

This is why, I believe, I can admire the beauty of a human in the same exact way I admire the beauty of a painting. I have found myself doing this to people in public and even once had a roommate who was so gorgeous that gazing upon her burned my soul the way the sun burns eyes. 

I have come to learn, though, that this reaction to human beauty is not a normal thing. The masses seem unable to do it and, as a result, staring is a behavior that is greatly avoided. Staring is either seen as rude, and pointing out someone's grave misfortune, or a threatening behavior that warrants extra caution. Because I am not a bellignorant jerk who forsakes the common morality I have learned to not stare at a person who is uncommonly attractive.

I have also come to learn that the masses seem unable to diminish their lust for attention from someone they find attractive even when they find the person a horrible example of humanity. This is something that does not affect me. Once I discover someone is horrible, even if they are a living artwork, I will cease to find any attraction to them and want nothing more to do with them.

This plays into my life fairly regularly. All of my celebrity crushes are based on my understanding of WHO the person is balanced against their looks.  Of course, all of my celebrity crushes are women because, regrettably*, I have no intimate inclinations toward men despite my ability to see men as being works of art just as much as women can be (Chris Pine, for example, especially his eyes, is a captivating piece of masculine artwork to behold). 

Among people, I know this directly affects whom I wish to spend time with. Once one passes the above criteria my curiosity will be piqued tremendously and I will find an interest in knowing more about you. Do we share similar interests? If so, my interest will flare greater. Is the person smart? I don't mean educated (as that is partially included above) as someone can know lots of things and not be smart, likewise, someone can be very smart and not know lots of things, too. The ability to reason, the desire to think. The curiosity to explore the intricacies of the world are the type of smarts that enchant me. Does the person think about the huge questions of life, the universe, and everything or are they focussed on the small-world gossip that drives so many of the people I cannot stand?

I find that the majority of my friends, the majority of people I desire to spend time with, all share these five points. 

And I hope I, to them, live up to the standards I have outlined here.

But this is just the foundation of the building I am trying to build with these words.

Because the building is where I deviate from society in ways that make me feel lonely quite often.

I do not understand romance. I once had an opportunity to experience the fires of passion in my heart but that fuse was burnt out and has never healed; partially because I did not understand romance and the target of my passion could not accept my inability to be romantic. 

I can see the origination of the taboo against sex as a means of managing the responsibilities of offspring but I also see how that should have been abandoned long ago and replaced with of a plethora of existing cultural norms surrounding sex, if not something completely unthought of.

As such, because the taboos really make no sense, I cannot incorporate them into my being. 

Why is sex the definitive line for cheating? I have seen Bromances that were more intimate on an emotional level than most couples ever attain. I have seen hetero-lifemates who are not sexually active achieve the same. I have seen couples who don't have any sex at all. Why is sexual intercourse the specific hard-line value that society determined is the big problem?

It shouldn't be.

In fact, there shouldn't be any hard lines at all. 

Every two people have a unique relationship that is ever-evolving. No relationship is EVER exactly the same, even between two individuals it morphs from moment to moment, constantly changing slightly. 

It is, in my opinion, and according to my entire moral being, entirely between two beings how to manage and maintain their relationship. Each of them may have obligations due to other relationships they are embedded in, but those are their responsibility to manage. Anyone not in a direct linkage with either party has no say in any type of friendship, or otherwise, that two parties maintain.  Within each relationship each of the two participants has the duty to clearly communicate their needs, wants, and boundaries as well as to respect those of the other party.

And this includes sex. 

To me, sex is a fun activity that fulfills a biological urge. It is, to me, much like dining out with someone. It is, to me, much like playing a game with someone. It is, to me, much like going to the movies with someone. It is, to me, much like kissing someone. 

All of these activities are things I will greatly enjoy with people I want to spend time with and are things I would prefer to avoid when there are people I do not like involved. 

If this post makes you uncomfortable I ask you: why?

What about it challenges your reality that you feel so uncomfortable by it?

How does my seeing the world this way threaten you in any way? Do you fear losing a partner to this ideology? You shouldn't for if they find their heart aligns with this ideology then the ideology is already in them, lurking, waiting to manifest into comprehension inside their mind.

Do you feel that this means I am going to try to "steel" your partner? I can't. No one can STEAL someone's partner. For a partner to be stolen it means they had to be property. If someone is property then their agency is completely gone and they are not involved in the relationship of their own free will, they are embedded in it for some other reason. If they can be stolen then they were never yours.

Do you fear they may move along and find someone whose time they covet more than your own? How is that something created by this philosophy? People move out of relationships constantly and it has nothing to do with the monogamous culture in this country that is rooted in Chrisitan puritanism. If they are drifting from you then a closed and curated garden of people they can see will not stop them, nor will the wide-open world. Only the two of you can maintain your thread and it requires both parties to do it.

If you hate these words is it because of their ideas or because you are afraid of being lonely?

Well, I'm here to tell you that these ideas won't cause you to be lonely; loneliness comes from lacking connections to other people, not from having them.

My loneliness comes from the lack of additional threads I have in my life beyond the wonderful relationship I have with my spouse. My loneliness comes from having all of the ideas explained in these words (and more) and feeling so isolated from society because I cannot comprehend why these, obvious to me, ideas are not universally accepted.

I don't fear being abandoned because of these ideas. I fear never having enough people to fill my heart in the first place. 

*in many ways I wish I were able to build more intimate relationships with men but some childhood trauma at the hands of my male peers and strained connections with male role models as a child have made it very difficult to build great relationships with men as an adult. I also wish I could find men attractive because my inherent biological programming cuts out more than half the adult population from my options for sexuality... BUT, at the same time, I see how horrible men are toward women (and toward other men) in the dating scene and I am glad that my heternormativity makes me immune from having to pursue people who are so horrible.

Let Them Go

It is the very nature of humanity to have relationships come and go throughout our lives. It is inevitable. Friends drift apart; lovers part ways. Our paths are not all aligned.

Over the past 20 years, I have had people who were inseparable companions meander away as their lives went in different directions. Some of these people I mourn the loss of more than others, some of them were much dearer to me than others. Some of them are the same person that I used to know while others have changed into unrecognizable people wearing a recognizable shell.

It is these, in the last category, that I find most unsettling and the hardest to resolve. The people who are absent because they have changed so much that the person I knew is no longer there inside.

One of the most difficult things to watch is someone following that path. Seeing who they are on the inside take a path that is changing them and distorting who they are all while they are unaware of it. Watching their identity slide away through currents of hypocrisy and rationalization as their ego tries to satisfy itself and preserve its self-identity is a painful process to witness.

It’s important for us all, especially those of us with complex interpersonal webs, to know that we cannot fix other people. We cannot stop their path when they refuse to acknowledge it themselves.

It’s equally important to know that we are allowed to let them go. YOU, yes you reading this, do NOT need to rescue other people from themselves. You have no responsibility to do that. A good friend will try to exert guidance; a good friend will try to point out the path. A good friend will, usually, contribute more energy than they should to prevent the self-destruction of someone they care about. But it is not the responsibility of the good friend to follow on the path. It’s ok to say “enough.” It’s ok to cut the cord and let the person follow their path into self-implosion. It’s ok to sever their access to you when their behavior becomes damaging to you and other people in your life.

It’s also ok to be there for them when their implosion is complete and they realize they have destroyed everything in their lives for nothing. It’s ok to reach out and say “I forgive you. Welcome back.”

What is not ok is to let them destroy you with them. It’s not ok to let them gaslight you or manipulate you. It’s not ok for them to project their own horrible behavior onto you and blame you. It’s not ok for them to take out their frustrations with others deciding that their behavior is horrible on you.

If someone turns toxic in your life it’s ok to let them go. You’ll feel guilty about it. But, I promise you, it’s ok to let them go.

If someone turns toxic… LET THEM GO. You cannot fix them; you can merely help those who are willing to accept it. If they are not willing to accept help: let them go.

Perception and Being Wronged

A bit less than 13 months ago I ended a relationship. I killed it. I put it down.

It was the right thing to do. The relationship had been in a stable place of undeadness for nearly five years after a rapid courtship and more than four years of decline from the initial relationship energy into a stable, cohabitative friendship.

About the time that it crossed over into being undead my (now) ex approached me about making out relationship open. There is a lot more to the story than that simple statement and, maybe one day, I will write it all out, too (or, maybe, I have... I don't really go back and review my old posts). This post is not about all of that.

This post is about today.

Facebook is an interesting place. There are meshes and interconnecting networks of people who carry differing levels of loyalty to their connected contacts. Facebook is filled with secrets and it is filled with spies. Some of the spies do their espionage to generate drama just as some of the secrets are kept for the same reason... but, others... others do their spy work because they feel they are doing the right thing.

Today I was asked if the right my ex was selling was the engagement ring.

I, of course, new nothing about it as I unfollowed my ex years before we actually broke up (for reasons that are better-suited to the other post that may or may not exist). I popped over to her feed (as we are still Facebook friends) and did not see any post about it. Obviously, it was a secret being kept from me.

This secret did not bother me terribly much. My spy friend sent me a screen shot and I verified that it was the engagement ring to appease my spy friend's curiosity. This generated a mild annoyance.

What created the anger that I am currently experiencing was when a second friend inquired about the related post. The post where it was implied that I valued our relationship very little based on how little I spent on the ring initially. This lit a fury inside me for several reasons.

FIRST - I bought the ring for her despite our financial situation being very tight and difficult. Our situation was difficult because she had quit work and gone to school and I was supporting her during this process.

SECOND - I also supported her participating HEAVILY in the SCA. I supported her when she took stops all over the Kingdom that we live in (which included leaving the country) and I supported her when she travelled across the continent to events that were far away. I provided the financial support for her to do this.

THIRD - The ring I bought was aligned with her aesthetic choices. It was not price-gouged as an "engagement" ring because it was not all diamond. It was amethyst because that is what she wanted.

FOURTH - One of her spies gained word that I was planning a proposal and told her because, at that time, she was planning to LEAVE ME (I discovered this later). It ruined the proposal but, when we discussed what I had planned for the proposal later, she accepted the ring anyway (I still did not know she had been planning to LEAVE).

FIFTH - She NEVER wore the fucking thing anyway.

All of this enrages me but it pales in comparison to the main reason I ended the relationship. That reason is that, amidst all of her travels that I paid for, she didn't tell people I even existed. I am re-entering the SCA and I am meeting people she has interacted with for YEARS who have NO IDEA who I am. They don't seem to have any comprehension that my ex HAD SOMEONE AT HOME funding her activities; someone at home who was staying with HER dog so that she could go. Someone at home who was being discarded and abandoned so that she could galavant around the known world and have the fun she wanted.

I am angry not because of the ring. I am angry because the only time anyone heard of me was when she was complaining. I am angry because she was never truly grateful for what I gave her. I am angry because I was used without any sense of remorse.... but, more importantly, I am angry because she is unable to see and acknowledge ANY of it.

I'm angry and there is nothing I can do to fix it. Actions in the past are what they are. Actions in the past cannot be undone.

I'm angry and it's my right to be so.

I'm angry.

Shattered Life - part III

Meniere's disease is a terrible fate to apply to anyone.
It's not fully understood but what it can do to people is. People who suffer from it have intense, disabling bouts of vertigo. It can limit their life and, at times, prevent them from even being able to tolerate being conscious. It can also evaporate into nothing for long periods of time. Conjecture around Van Gogh's mental illness issues exists and some of the experts believe that Meniere's was at the root of his inability to cope with the world.

My lady had most of the symptoms of this dreadful disease. Long before I met her the intense bouts of disabling vertigo and dizziness trashed her career path and diverted her from achieving a big-name disk-jockey role and pushed her into the periphery. After the initial flare up her ability to function returned but with great levels of hesitation. The bouts of dizziness would come and go and the anxiety over when she might have one permeating her very being. She could not hold a regular job because the dizziness could come at any moment and destroy her ability to be at work through forcing her to the floor in a fit of disorientation.
This, of course, led her to pursue the necessary knowledge to steal the web development business from one of her previous boyfriends; she needed that job to survive.

During the course of our relationship this disease prevented us from doing many things. Some of them were things she had planned and a bout of dizziness destroyed her ability, or her confidence, to go out and have a good time. Sometimes I found myself wondering if this was a crutch for her to rely on if she really did not want to go to do something she did not want to do. Other times, though,  it was obvious that she couldn't partake. While she did a great deal of compensation for her concerns there were distinct times that she simply could not truly function. She could fake it and having a trustworthy person at her side made it seem that she was able to function but the reality was that she was a wreck on the inside. I respected this and I did my best to provide her with the support that she needed to make it through those times. This process changed, though, when it came to things I wanted to do; places I wanted to go; people I wanted to see. When it was something that I was planning it was almost certain that she would have a bout of the dizzies that would prevent it. On many occasions she proclaimed that I should go without her because it was important to me but I learned, early on, that this was a trap. If I took the offer to leave I was abandoning her and I would pay for it dearly later on. Thus, she was able to turn her disability into a leverage point to retain tight control over me for the entire time we were together. I did not dare go do the things I wished to do for fear of getting in trouble and I dared not speak up to outline my concerns because the situation could be twisted to make me look terrible for not supporting her when she needed it most. I was trapped and she knew it; and she used that to her advantage.
This was used to force me to miss a movie I wanted to see. This was used to make holiday arrangements difficult. This was used as leverage in planning the wedding. This was used in a great many ways to facilitate her getting what she wanted and preventing me from getting what she did not want me to have.
Even now I'm not sure she understood, on a conscious level, that she was playing this manipulation; but, rather, I suspect she was doing it at a slightly subconscious level. I believe that her subconscious would manifest the necessary symptoms that her conscious mind would use to force the situation.

---

Immediately preceding me in the chain of men that have moved through her life was a man named Todd.
Todd was not a good guy. Todd had boxes and boxes of horror novels and a personality that belonged in one (this was validated by sources other than my lady; although she was the first to outline it).
The two of them created a domestic dispute that resulting in police intervention and Todd being arrested (years later I discovered that she, too, had been arrested but she hid this from me).
The incident, and overall behavioral patterns led to a temporary restraining order being filed against Todd.
The process of temporary restraining orders is interesting. Anyone can file one against anyone at any time for absolutely no reason. The order is upheld until a court date is appointed to conduct a hearing on whether the order should be permanently enacted or dropped completely.
I met my lady in the intervening space between the issuance of the temporary order and the court date. She had told me about the situation and the court date so I knew it was approaching. I saw her anxiety grow as it approached.
I offered to take the day of the court date off on multiple occasions so I could be there for her and, each time, she declined and assured me that it was ok; she had it under control.
The date came closer and she got more and more anxious about the situation.
My memory informs me that the date itself fell on a Monday and the logical flow of the situation clearly makes that likely. I awoke on the day of the court hearing in her apartment, 3 hours from my office, to her asking me to stay. I called in to work and let them know I could not make it and I stayed. I stayed with her until it was time to go to the hearing at which point she told me to not go with her.

The short summary of the story is that I took a day off without notice to work, ended up being spoken to over it, to accompany her to a hearing which she, at the last minute, refused to let me attend.

In retrospect I believe that the hearing would have uncovered her arrest and her violent behavior of the evening in question and that is why she refused to let me go; for fear of losing me over it.

---

Every year I have a birthday. Another birthday that will quietly slipped into oblivion with minimal fuss and recognition from those whom I care most about. It passed almost the optimal way to my liking.
A bit more than a decade ago my birthday was not this.
HER birthday is supposed to be a big deal and she expects lavish gifts and social gatherings. HER birthday, which is in April, experienced this.
She refused to accept that, when I outlined my dislike of being the center of attention, that I meant it. I did not want to have a big deal of my birthday and, most especially, I did not want a surprise party.

As my birthday approached I could tell something was up. Things were just "off" in a way I could not specifically identify. I suspected that she was, against my wishes, arranging a surprise party for me. As far as I was concerned this was clearly confirmed when my brother phoned me to invite me to an afternoon showing of a movie that neither of us really cared about but which was the best option currently in theatres.
The night before she sat me down to confess. He confession started with an inquiry of "do you really mean it?" in reference to my dislike of being the center of attention and large birthday celebrations. I outlined that I did, in fact, mean it very much. She was surprised when I outlined that I knew exactly what she was planning and that there was no surprise. She offered to cancel it but I declined. At this point the party was for others and not for me.

As surprise parties go mine was not that bad. I did not feel too terribly uncomfortable.
But the principle matters. I had outlined for months that this is NOT what I liked and she did it anyway because it is what SHE liked.

---

Before we moved in together she had an apartment. It was a two bedroom apartment, one of whose bedrooms was turned into her home office. The home office had two desks.
Her previous boyfriend was a terrible, terrible person.... but that is another story. When they broke up many things were abandoned in her apartment, mostly books but some video games. Among them was Diablo II.
Diablo II is a point and click game. That is, pretty much, the ENTIRE game. There is a LOT of clicking.
One day when I was visiting she had to work. She wanted me in the room with her so she had me settle in to the other desk to play on my computer. I was playing Diablo II until she started screaming at me about the clicking.
I was moved to the living room where the clicking still bothered her.
I ended up watching a movie or reading - at this point I cannot recall.

---

In addition to the business she ran from home she was also an on-air DJ. I'm sure you've heard what is called a "bumper" on the air. Radio stations often get celebrities to record them when they have an interview and some stations also make them from listeners to help engage the audience and increase their station loyalty.
Her station had a bank of bumpers and she wanted me to record one. I made an attempt but it did not have enough excitement for her so I tried to show more excitement. After many attempts, none of which was good enough for her, she surrendered to the reality that creating a great "bumper" is not something I am good for.

And then put a barb on the end of her disappointment by highlighting how simple a task it is and how, if I really loved her, I would have been able to figure it out.

This, like everything else in the shattered life tale, should have been a red flag that was waiving bright and clear in front of my eyes.

---

The above anecdote of the "bumper" may, or may not, be the first chronological instance of the "prove you love me" game. But it was certainly not the last.

This is a game where no one wins and it is the signature of mental disorders that can be very dangerous. The proofs start small and escalate until the person burdened with the tasks encounters one they are unable to complete and then, the burdener, temporarily loses their grasp on their sanity because they feel unloved.

A typical progression will be something as simple as "if you love me you'll get me a glass of water" through an increasing set of steps until it is something like "if you love me you'll stop talking to everyone you've ever known because I am all you need." If ever you encounter someone who says "if you love me you'll do it" then you need to be VERY wary of them.

---

Oh, yes, there's more.....

Shattered Life - Part 2

When I decided to make the initial journey south I was at my mother's home. I was there doing my laundry so that I could make use of her hot tub while I waited. This was a not uncommon experience as, at that time, I was renting a trailer with two friends. They, as a couple, usurped much of the appliance time. Since I had the opportunity to utilize better appliances AND use a hot tub I was not shy about the half-hour journey to my mother's.
It was not far in the future from the initial meeting that this couple and I made a move into a full house. This, of course, required a lot of time and many trips hauling a great deal of stuff. This, of course, was best done when we were not at work; meaning evenings and into the weekend.

As I could not surrender my time to head southward she decided to surprise me and come northward.
We got to spend the weekend together and I got to work harder to free up my time for when she arrived.

It was a wonderful visit. Spock, her dog, came with her and we spent the weekend in my new home.
She and I ran out to the place I had just quitted and tried to recover the nice trash barrel that I owned but, we soon discovered, it was too stinky to transport in her nice car (or any space that was shared with a breathing entity) so it was left in the yard of the trailer that was being departed for the next individuals to utilize as they saw fit.

On Sunday we decided to breakfast with two of my closest friends; a couple whom I had introduced to one-another while I was dating the woman. Their attraction was immediate and unstoppable and, while I didn't like that I was edged out I understood that one's heart is not something one could control so I did not try to interfere with their relationship (Author's note: they are happily married with a seven year old). During the breakfast there was a great deal of pleasant conversation. I engaged in conversation with both of my friends and I felt that my new love was enjoying the meal as well. It was only afterward that her wrath rained down upon me.

The accusation was concise and very terse. I was told that I was still in love with her and that I could no longer be friends with them. There was no discussion. There was no opportunity for debate. My new love had seen what she saw and come to the conclusion that my friend was the enemy. I had always said, and still say, that if anyone ever made me choose between someone else and them that the choice would be easy: I would choose "them" because they would be the party who did not make me choose. I was surprised, therefore, that my new lady was able to put forth this ultimatum without actually making the ultimatum. To this day I cannot recall HOW she did it but the end result was the same: I was coerced into severing my ties with my two friends so that I could keep my love.

I should have known then that I was in for trouble. But I was too blinded to see it.

Instead, I surrendered that part of my life and started to build relationships farther south. I had already ceased my fencing practices in the norther region because they happened on a weekend and I was choosing to go south to spend time with my lady. I was then forced to cease my normal Wednesday night outing, where I went to a local restaurant to socialize with a variety of people near my own age, because the female half of the couple we had dined with was the one who convinced me to join that crowd and she, sometimes, was there.
My life was, after this northward visit, more in her control than it had been to that point but I simply was unable to see it nor was I willing to believe it.

---

As I became more and more entrenched in her life, by surrendering my own, we began trying to socialize more and more with her friends. Two of these friends, a couple, lived in an apartment in Portland and they invited us over for awhile for dinner and a visit.

Something that, through a combination of latent anxiety concerns and reinforcement by external sources (e.g. my lady friend) that provided me with a great deal of troubles was navigating in a place I am not familiar with. I've always been a bit uncomfortable with it but, until I started spending time with her, it was manageable. Her reactions in the car greatly exacerbated the underlying issue and created a situation in which confusion of roads could become overwhelming to me.

This was a problem that she was aware of. This was a problem she "helped" me with when we drove about together.

When we went to visit her friends I drove and she navigated.

The highways were, and remain, roads that I know well through the Portland area. As such I needed only have direction as to what exit I was to take and all of the steps after that point in the journey. On the way to the residence of her friends she provided the information as to what exit to take and then went about not giving me advanced warning on when I would need to turn for the upcoming streets. She provided the information as the turn was approaching, making it difficult for me to anticipate the turn; increasing my anxiety over not knowing what was around me nor where I should be going.

Prior to this point I had prided myself on knowing how to return to a place after visiting it once. The process of getting TO it and then tracing the steps FROM it were enough to ingrain the path into my mind. She also knew this.

The path to the residence took one highway to a particular exit and then followed an fairly major road in until it crossed with the road that her friends lived on.
This, however, is not the path she allowed me to drive to leave.
I have since learned all of the roads that we took and I can recreate the entire path I was taken on that day. I can say, with total clarity, that the path was not the most efficient path to take: neither to nor from this residence. Taking two different routes, neither of which was efficient, served no purpose other than to increase my anxiety and prevent me from learning the roads in greater detail.
In short, her navigation choices reinforced my anxiety and my dependence on her to navigate around the metropolitan area that was to become my new home.
Once again, I was unable to see what was happening because I did not know the roads well enough to see what she had done; it was only years later, when I saw the apartment we had visited, that I put all of the pieces of that day into their true context.

---

Like most people I have an appreciation for sweet things.
So, too, did my new lady friend.

Particularly she enjoyed Rice Krispie treats with butterscotch in them.
So I made them.
Nearly every weekend I made a batch of Rice Krispie treats or some variant thereof (note: substituting Fruity Pebbles for Rice Krispies is also tasty) and we would eat some of them during the course of the weekend and she ate the rest during the week.
This addition to her dietary consumption yielded an expected, but undesirable, side effect. She gained a small amount of weight. To me she went from hot, sexy and beautiful to being hot, sexy and beautiful. To me there was not change. To her, however, this minor increase in weight was a HUGE catastrophe that was my fault. I was screamed at and I was scolded. I was told that all of the treats I made were the cause and that, because I made them, it was my fault.
That weekend we spent some considerably time talking. Her outburst seemed, to me, to be completely unfair and it seemed to have a readily-available solution.
That weekend we avoided making any treats.
By mid week she apologized and said she missed having the treats to snack on.
I was asked to make them again the following weekend.
During the next few months I have a vague recollection of this exact scenario playing out a few times. She would be unhappy with how she looked at it would become my fault for cooking for her.
She would have a minor outburst and we would talk about it and reach a reasonable decision on how we could improve the situation. This would be followed by an apology later in the week.
Had I known then what I know now I would have known that this pattern would continue and could never be broken. That this behavioral pattern would escalate in amplitude of response while having a decreasing severity of trigger and an increasing frequency overall.
But, I did not know then what I know now so I did not choose to walk away.
I'm not sure, had I known, that I would have been able to anyway. I loved her too much.

---

There was a point where she started sharing stories of her exes with me. She had several, including a previous fiance. In retrospect the tales I am about to relate probably should have been a warning sign to me of some sort; but I knew I was not a bad person. I knew that I didn't match the pattern. I didn't realize that the pattern was not the men: it was her. I am sure, now, I am included in the wave of terrible men who have mistreated her when she tells others her tales. I, too, am sure that the story of the men before me is exaggerated well beyond the facts of the situations. Take those as a disclaimer as to the nature of these events for I cannot relate many facts about them: only what she told me.

My lady had had a growing career as an on-air personality. She was doing well and her reputation was growing. Then she got sick (more on that later). After her sickness she decided to start a new life and moved out to Michigan.

While there she met a man. I don't have many details on the story of their meeting but it seems to closely mirror my experience thus far. He fell madly in love with her and they had a whirlwind romance. He proposed and she accepted. She then decided she missed home. They moved back to Maine and got established. From her telling the story it seems that she then broke it off with him due to lack of passion in their life. She claims she loved him deeply but there was no fire or passion, especially in the bedroom. She kept the ring.
In short, she seduced this man and uprooted him from all that he knew to move back to Maine with her where the relationship was severed and she kept the main asset that had been a manifestation of the importance of the relationship to him.
Later, one night that we had ordered take-out from the local Amato's, I was texted from my car. She was in my car and this man was standing next to me in line inside. She slinked down and hid in the car when he left. Again, I should have interpreted this as a sign.

After, what I am sure, was a string of dating, a new gentleman caller entered her life. This man actually cooccupied the very same apartment she had been living in when she and I met with her. This man was a brilliant graphics designer and web programmer. This man had built a business doing web design, construction and hosting. This man taught his business to his beloved girlfriend so that she could work with him from home. She learned programming and the graphic arts programs. She rapidly understood the business functions.  This mad had a falling out with his business partner and reincorporated with his new girlfriend to make a new business.
Over the next couple of years, as she tells it, this man oscillated through phases of insanity. His brilliance in both design and coding was the result of some sort of schizm in his mind that made his an explosive personality. Through many events, as she tells the story, the relationship was ripped apart and she had to sever the ties with him for her own safety. In doing so she ran through a legal battle resulting in him being completely severed from the company that he had built, broken and reforged with her. When the ashes cooled on their relationship she had control of the apartment, the assets and the company. He was left with nothing, not even the business of his parents; whom had been customers of the company.
In short: she seduced this man and stole his livelihood from him, forcing him into a well of depression and financial ruin.

Again; this story should have been a warning for me. Instead it was a sympathetic narrative in which she was the victim of a boyfriend who went insane and tried to steal what she had contributed to his life.

I'm certain there were a variety of other men before she met the next man who was to be a steady boyfriend and, from some evidence, he was in the initial stages of moving in with her.
This man was bad news.  I love books and so did he. After his departure there were many boxes of books left behind. As I loved books they were given to me as he was not allowed to come back for them due to a retraining order. The boxes reiterated what the restraining order told: this man celebrated violence. The books were filled with gritty fantasy centered around violence and dark horror volumes. Normally I will not judge a person solely by the books that they read and choose to own but the volume of books included, and the singular focus of them was a bit disarming. Coupled with the restraining order and, what I was informed, the upcoming court date I knew that this person was likely to be a bad person whom would be prone to explosive violence. As the court date approached she related the story to me.
During their relationship this man had been a forceful and dominant individual. There were arguments that escalated to pushing and shoving. There were many instances of yelling and screaming. The culmination of this tumultuous romance was a physical confrontation. As she tells it he was physically assaulting her directly and through pushing her all around the apartment. As she tells it she picked up the wall phone and dialed 911 to ask for help. As she tells it he then ripped the phone off the wall and threw it across the room; disconnecting the call. As she tells it he threw her across the room and proceeded to continue his assault when the police arrived and arrested him. As she tells it that is the end of the incident and the end of the relationship. As she tells it that it the origination of the restraining order and the subsequent need to go to court to push the order forward and, later, a repeat court appearance to have the order renewed.
Many years later, due to a "Criminal Records Check" advertisement that was fed to me via Google I discovered a hint that there was more to this story. The line in the ad, for criminal records, showed fragment of a paragraph of a police log. In that fragment, which contained no complete sentences but, rather, appeared to be a small photo of the corner of the police beat column of a paper, where three words. Her first name, her last name, and the word "arrested." The context of the words implied, quite heavily, that she had been arrested but the fragment did not contain enough information to verify it. I Googled the entire sentence fragment and was directed to a paywall for the local newspaper's archive. I paid the $3 fee for access to the article and obtained a revelation. During the incident that she imparted to me the man had, in fact, been arrested and the home's state was much as she described.
The part she had omitted from her story, though, was equally important. The fact she omitted was that she, too, had been arrested. Both parties had been arrested for their part in the domestic violence. This means that the police did not believe that she was innocently being beaten nor that she was merely defending herself. The officers on the scene believed that she had been an active participant in the situation and had been committing as much assault as she had been receiving. This, had it been imparted at the time, MIGHT have made me reconsider the relationship. It certainly would have alerted me to the dangers of this woman and made me more aware of what I was about to go through as it happened rather than allowing me to be self-deluded into thinking that she was not insane.
This, as you will see later, would have been good foreshadowing had my story been a movie and the audience, without me knowing, been made aware of her arrest.

Then, of course, there was me. This is my tale and I am sure, from her perspective, it differs greatly. I'm sure that there is a chapter in her previous relationships narrative in which I am a villain and in which I was a terrible individual that abused her trust, tried to take her life away and threatened to destroy her in some way. because of what I went through, including the parts that have yet to be revealed, I am sure that my appearance in her tale is greatly exaggerated much as the appearances of these men has likely been warped and twisted to benefit her the most.
I feel sorry for the man who was uprooted from Michigan and forced to Maine to be abandoned.
I feel bad for the man whose livelihood was stolen from him.
I even feel bad for the misogynistic asshole who was prone to fits of assault; maybe I don't feel bad for him. His life deserved to be shredded.

A Shattered Life - Part 1

Author's note: I'm far from perfect. These stories are all from my point of view and, as such, they highlight the faults of the other party. I am endeavoring with these stories to include, and acknowledge, my own faults in the situations; but, they are still from my point of view and, therefore, inherently biased. They are, to the extent I can make them, true stories.

---

The picture was black and white yet it conveyed everything it needed to. Beauty of features and solidity of stature. Long, flowing blonde hair and bright crimson lips. The black top, coupled with the jeweled pendant enhanced the fairness of her skin as it dangled just above a tasteful display of impressive cleavage. The photographer's technique had captured her beauty at its fullest and the lack of color only enhanced the reality of her appearance.
She was perfect. Gorgeous, sexy, intelligent, independent, and geeky.
The information on the screen was unbelievable.

What lonely man wouldn't click on the button to indicate interest in this woman?

The person I used to be had no idea that this would lead to his destruction.

---

After a lengthy online interaction we met for the first time on August 8th. I was doing my laundry and she outlined that I should come down and go out with her and her friends that evening. I did some quick mental mathematics and realized it was possible to complete my laundry and hit the road for the three-hour drive to arrive about the time she was heading out. So I did.

The drive was arduous with anticipation and yet, I don't remember any specific moment of it.
I remember speaking on the phone with her as I exited the highway and we crossed paths in the middle of downtown Saco. She turned around and I pulled over in front of a small brick building that was a dance school and studio. Her red RX7 pulled up to the curb and she stepped out, wearing shorts that showed her legs with the same gorgeous blonde hair reflecting the orange tinted street lights and the same crimson color to her lips that the her photo so clearly showed, despite the lack of coloring. All of this was, somehow, enhanced by the red wind breaker she was wearing.
We embraced, a friendly hug that was a prelude to a much greater adventure.

After the introduction was completed and the awkwardness of that first "meatspace" meeting was shaken I followed her to her apartment so that we could leave my car there. We went together to meet her friends.

For me it was an awkward evening. I have never been good with new people and I was much more interested in spending time with her to enhance the relationship we had already begun laying the foundation for.

After dinner, at which she had had a couple of drinks, she let me drive her baby home. This, I was assured, was not something she did lightly (later evidence fully verified that as I never drove that car again). She invited me inside and showed me her apartment, her dog named Spock, and her stuff. As an independent web designer she showed me her other baby, her computer, last. It was a marvel to behold. She rattled off the specifications and fired it up to show off the blue light that lit the interior while it was on.

I was lovestruck. I was luststruck. I had never experienced anything quite like what I was experiencing in that moment.

"I really want to kiss you" I said.

I don't remember the next few minutes; but, I do know that my plans to go stay with my brother that evening were canceled and I stayed with her.

Our relationship promised to be a thing of beauty that would complete both of our lives with a passion that I did not believe could exist. But that promise, and the person I used to be, were shattered by insanity; HER insanity. My body survived the experience but who I am today is very different from the man who met her on that August evening. The time we spent together destroyed that person, and consumed itself in the horror of what he endured.

There remain fragments of the time we spent together. These fragments are the worst of the stories that were burned into my brain. These fragments are the things I cannot forget; the scars that my resurrection into who I am today cannot leave behind. These fragments highly the sadness as much by their own stories as by the reality that they persist when tales of the good times are lost.

Part of the damage that was inflicted has forced these fragments to exist as independent entities. The continuum upon which they all hang has been shattered, along with the life that lived through that experience. These fragments remain as scattered memories. The me that I am now has tried, probably in vain, to order them in the sequence that they happened. The very reality of the situation has, likely, made an accurate ordering of events quite impossible; especially since some of the related components are interrupted by isolated events.

The distance between us limited our time together. Shortly after our meeting a routine began to emerge into our world. As five o'clock rolled into view on Fridays I departed my office and began the intellectually laborious journey southward.  The vast stretches of highway became my familiar Friday evening companions and remained so for nearly ten months. Ten months of counting off the mile markers on the way to her apartment, through the dreary desertion of space between Bangor and Augusta and continuing through the ever-increasing landmarks from Augusta southward.
Each Sunday we debated my return and each Sunday the idea of staying together defeated the desire to sleep close to work. Each Monday the reverse trek was initiated; starting with the densely packed southern region of the state and progressing ever farther into the rural landscapes of central Maine. Each Monday morning I watched the Sun climb into the sky through my own dreary sleepless mind as I contemplated the upcoming day and my eventual return to the south on the following Friday. Each early morning commute I relished the idea of being with my love full time, without the need for the weekly pilgrimage. Each Monday morning I lamented the reality that was the ever-more-boring northward progression as things other than trees became less and less frequent the farther I went.

We had the opportunity, and the technology, to remain in contact nearly all day long. We had broken conversations over the computer while we both worked and we followed them up with the obligatory ultra-cute couples phone calls in the evenings. Aside from our being apart everything was perfect.

Each successive weekend strengthened our bond and forced our desire to spend the remainder of our lives together to grow stronger. She was perfect and, as far as I could tell, she felt that I was, too. Even her dog, whom had been judgmental of boyfriends in the past, approved of me. 

This pattern continued, as I outlined before, for nearly ten months. In that time a future home for both of us was sought and purchased (more on that later) and I continued my relationship commuting. The fuel cost grew and the toll on my endurance was taxed. At one point, in an effort to alleviate some of my burden, she came to me rather than forcing me to join her at home. This effort; however, proved to be a singular event for a variety of reasons that varied in ultimate legitimacy and was never repeated.

Missed Connections - Fiction

A unique set of Missed Connections posts on Craigslist.

Tiers of Relationships

My observations have led me to develop a way of examining how people matter to each other.
I have organized this into tiers.

Over time I have defined and redefined the tiers and reordered their numbering system.

Here is the current version, based on my many years of watching human behavior and experiencing it for both sides of a human friendship.

Tier 6 - Both you and the other party have near continuous thoughts of each other and have an active desire to keep each other thoroughly entrenched in each-other's life. The other person is a top priority in each of your lives and schedules are altered to make time for one-another as needed. This relationship, when a friendship, spans distances through active use of modern technology.
Tier 5 - You and the other person both actively engage with each other and enjoy each-other's company but failure to align schedules is acceptable. Physical distance can cause this relationship to slowly degrade.
Tier 4 - You enjoy this person's company and expect to see them at events and gatherings. You never invite them because you assume that they already know or that someone else has already invited them. You don't tend to notice if they are missing from an activity and assume they are popular enough to be at some other activity instead.
Tier 3 - If this person talks to you or is engaged in a conversation you find interesting you will enter into a conversation and enjoy it. You don't generally start conversations with this person. You never actively invite them and they don't invite you. It is possible you do not even know the other party's name.
Tier 2 - You recognize this person and will convey general greetings and small-talk as needed.
Tier 1 - You recognize this person but do not generally acknowledge them in any way.
Tier 0 - Neutral - you have never seen or met this person before
Tier -1 - See Tier 1, but in a repellant direction instead of an attractive one.
Tier -2 - See Tier 2, but in a repellant direction instead of an attractive one.
Tier -3 - See Tier 3, but in a repellant direction instead of an attractive one.
Tier -4 - See Tier 4, but in a repellant direction instead of an attractive one.
Tier -5 - See Tier 5, but in a repellant direction instead of an attractive one.
Tier -6 - See Tier 6, but in a repellant direction instead of an attractive one.

There may be professional research that defines these, or a similar, relationship structure. I have done no active research on the subject, only observation and classification.