Let Them Go

It is the very nature of humanity to have relationships come and go throughout our lives. It is inevitable. Friends drift apart; lovers part ways. Our paths are not all aligned.

Over the past 20 years, I have had people who were inseparable companions meander away as their lives went in different directions. Some of these people I mourn the loss of more than others, some of them were much dearer to me than others. Some of them are the same person that I used to know while others have changed into unrecognizable people wearing a recognizable shell.

It is these, in the last category, that I find most unsettling and the hardest to resolve. The people who are absent because they have changed so much that the person I knew is no longer there inside.

One of the most difficult things to watch is someone following that path. Seeing who they are on the inside take a path that is changing them and distorting who they are all while they are unaware of it. Watching their identity slide away through currents of hypocrisy and rationalization as their ego tries to satisfy itself and preserve its self-identity is a painful process to witness.

It’s important for us all, especially those of us with complex interpersonal webs, to know that we cannot fix other people. We cannot stop their path when they refuse to acknowledge it themselves.

It’s equally important to know that we are allowed to let them go. YOU, yes you reading this, do NOT need to rescue other people from themselves. You have no responsibility to do that. A good friend will try to exert guidance; a good friend will try to point out the path. A good friend will, usually, contribute more energy than they should to prevent the self-destruction of someone they care about. But it is not the responsibility of the good friend to follow on the path. It’s ok to say “enough.” It’s ok to cut the cord and let the person follow their path into self-implosion. It’s ok to sever their access to you when their behavior becomes damaging to you and other people in your life.

It’s also ok to be there for them when their implosion is complete and they realize they have destroyed everything in their lives for nothing. It’s ok to reach out and say “I forgive you. Welcome back.”

What is not ok is to let them destroy you with them. It’s not ok to let them gaslight you or manipulate you. It’s not ok for them to project their own horrible behavior onto you and blame you. It’s not ok for them to take out their frustrations with others deciding that their behavior is horrible on you.

If someone turns toxic in your life it’s ok to let them go. You’ll feel guilty about it. But, I promise you, it’s ok to let them go.

If someone turns toxic… LET THEM GO. You cannot fix them; you can merely help those who are willing to accept it. If they are not willing to accept help: let them go.

Happy Workers are Productive Workers

I find it interesting that there are so many managers / bosses who fail to realize that happy workers are productive workers. If one is happy in their job they do their job. If one is unhappy in their job their mental efforts go elsewhere.

There are LOTS of things that managers / bosses can do to provide low (or no) cost improvements to morale.

One of these things is enabled by the level of technology that we possess today: telecommuting. If you have an employee that works hard and above expectations whose work is not dependent on a physical presence why would you EVER prevent them from telecommuting? If there work is unsatisfactory in quality or timeliness that is one thing, but if their work is always excellent and on time why would you risk making them unhappy? Furthermore, why would you risk their health and safety by preventing them from telecommuting during a terrible storm?

Yes, this is a complaint post but it has a VERY important positive take-away message: treat your employees the way you want your boss to treat you. If you want to be allowed to "just get your work done" then make an environment that allows your employees to "get their work done." If you want an environment that allows you to work from home during terrible weather then let your employees do that. If you want an environment that prioritizes the quality, quantity and timeliness of your work over simply filling your seat for 8 hours a day: make that environment. Your employees will be happier with it and, because they are happier, will be loyal to you. Their loyalty to you will provide far more incentive to work than any other force can (except, perhaps, commission-able sales).

When someone is choosing to NOT risk their life driving in to work in terrible weather because they would rather provide 9.5 - 10 hours of work in their living room - LET THEM. You, as their boss win. You are trading 8 hours of their physical presence for 9.5 - 10 hours of work. Sure, you can't monitor their work and check their attendance, but can you always realistically do that when they are in the office?

Welcome to the 21st Century where physical presence does not equal ability to work.


Anyway, enough of a rant. The positive message of today boils down to the "Golden Rule" - treat others the way you want to be treated. That's how I manage my staff; it's how I want to be managed. Sadly, many managers still fail to see simple things as worthwhile INVESTMENTS in their staff.